Yesterday was a day full of firsts.
I received my first flowers from a boy.
We held hands for the first time.
He met my parents for the first time.
We had our first kiss.
I can't explain how blessed I am right now.
Today continues the days of firsts.
I will travel to his house for the first time.
I'll meet his parents for the first time.
I will see where he works for the first time.
I will meet some of his friends for the first time.
Life is good.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
#2 is #4
So a lot has transpired in the past week. I had some excellent "debriefing" time with a good friend from work. She's like a mom to me and has been willing to offer some advice and spiritual wisdom. I'm not sure that I agree with all of her words...but there was a lot of truth spoken. Again, she encouraged me to be myself and just let it happen. I highlighted some of my concerns and she helped me feel better about them. She did indicate that this relationship might be different...that it may progress quicker than expected...and that's ok.
We had scheduled to meet for date #2 on Sunday at the zoo in Ft. Wayne. We both jokingly said that it would probably seem like the week was moving by at a snail's pace...and it did.
Throughout this journey I've been asking for guidance. I don't want to make a stupid decision in haste because it feels good in the moment. I do believe that God's timing is perfect, He loves me, and wants the best for me. Is this the best for me?
I had an amazing cookout with some friends (family) on Wednesday. We've been spread out for years...oceans between us at times...and it seems like every time we get together it's like we just saw each other the day before. I was blessed by the conversations and just the presence of the people that I love. I had asked God on the way to meet my friend that He would some how bring up the topic of dating/relationships. I wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for...I just wanted some indication that He was listening and that all was ok. With a group of us circled up in the garage in lawn chairs, somehow the topic of online dating came up. One of the couples there had met online and were now married. It was there and gone before I knew it with just enough time to make eye contact with my friend. That was it. That was the indicator that I needed.
Thursday came around and we decided at the last minute that we were going to meet. We returned to the bike trail where we went on date #1...with mosquito repellent this time. We walked and laughed and had light hearted conversation. I was tired. Overwhelmed. After we walked, we hung out around my car and eventually left each other kind of awkwardly. What just happened? Was I trying too hard? Truth be told, I was throughly exhausted from trying to be funny...needing the perfect comeback to his witty statements. I was at the point where I wanted to be forward...but not too forward. I wanted him to like me...but wasn't sure I wanted him falling in love with me.
When we got home, I sent him a message. Again...trying to be funny and somewhat cryptic in my words. Then our conversation shifted. We talked a bit about getting rid of our online profiles...the very thing that brought us together. I wanted him to know that I wasn't looking for anyone else, but didn't want to make it sound like I was ready for a relationship with him...what if he wasn't that interested in me? And then I got called to the table about not being straight forward. Prefaced with an apology, he asked me how interested I was in him...and said that his biggest fear was to fall in love with someone that didn't love him back. Whoa...did I just read that? Time to be real. My response was that I was certainly interested and knew that we could laugh and have a good time together...but what else was there? He reassured me that there would be plenty of time to build those other connections and we left it at that...
I was greeted Friday morning with apologies for the awkwardness the night before. I told him that it was fine and that I needed to start being less cryptic and just say what I was thinking. He again told me that he never wanted me to be uncomfortable. Did I mention that he's a great guy? So caring and respectful of the way that I feel! Our conversations the rest of the day consisted of food preferences and shrines for honey...nothing too serious. :)
Saturday rolled around and I had a list of things I wanted to get done in the morning. He asked me to scope out honey prices at the farmer's market...my secret mission. I spent the morning/early afternoon hoping that he would ask to see me that night. He sent me a message saying that he was done with work and wasn't sure what he was going to do that afternoon. I let him know that I didn't have any plans...and if he was bored...he could come see me. And then I did something surprising...I invited him to come over to my house. He was hesitant...and wanted to make sure that I was completely ok with it...but then agreed to come visit. We talked a bit at my place, went to Applebee's, and then came back to my place. He didn't leave until midnight. Isn't that risky? Maybe. I'm sure there are people that have their own thoughts and opinions about it...but there was such peace sitting next to each other and chatting. I loved every minute of it.
Sunday came...the day for date #2...which was now #4. We met at the zoo and enjoyed walking around and seeing all of the different animals. Can I just say that I don't really like the zoo...but this was the best zoo trip of my life! Can I also say that the zoo was the site of a pretty important event in my life...the place where I accepted my first teaching job. I told him about accepting my first job while I was standing in front of the pig pen...which is now in a new location. He thought that was rather interesting that a place so significant was now significant for another reason too!
After the zoo we went to the Olive Garden for lunch. For some reason, a few awkward moments crept back in after we were done eating. I just kept looking at him...and perhaps I looked like I had a look of panic on my face. For some reason...all of a sudden...I wasn't really sure what was happening. What if he doesn't really like me? What if my parents don't like him? What if...? It was very strange. He asked me if I was ok...and I said I was fine. He asked again...and I really knew that I was fine...I just wasn't feeling it. We hopped back in his truck and ventured back to the zoo to get my car. Now...I'm not the greatest at directions and wasn't 100% sure how to get back where we needed to go. I had an idea...and he had an idea...and I just figured that he was right. He wasn't...necessarily. We got back where we needed to be without really having to turn around, we just took the scenic route! And then something happened that has had be laughing for days...literally.
I mentioned that my friend from work and I have been chatting. As we pulled back into the zoo from our lunch outing, we passed her and her husband in the parking lot. It was like a split second. They had ridden their motorcycle in that day and were just putting on their helmets as we passed. Did that seriously just happen? That timing was perfect. The other little strange tidbit with that is that they were also at the same restaurant the day of our date #1...just a different time.
So we sat in the parking lot and talked for the longest time. We talked very openly and forwardly about a lot of sensitive topics... I said that I was thinking about asking him to meet my parents. His initial response was that we weren't even hugging and kissing...and then it changed. I explained to him about my love language...my history with physical touch or lack of it. Then we started talking about past relationships and my expectation to wait until marriage. This conversation couldn't have gone more perfectly. We took a break in talking to come back to my house. It's amazing the hours that we've spent just sitting together and talking. We talked until around 10:00 and then he needed to go. After he put his boots on and was ready to walk out the door...he simply asked me if he could give me a hug. Of course! But how sweet! Here we've been sharing all of these intimate details of our lives and he has the respect to ask me first. I'm telling you...such a keeper!
We had scheduled to meet for date #2 on Sunday at the zoo in Ft. Wayne. We both jokingly said that it would probably seem like the week was moving by at a snail's pace...and it did.
Throughout this journey I've been asking for guidance. I don't want to make a stupid decision in haste because it feels good in the moment. I do believe that God's timing is perfect, He loves me, and wants the best for me. Is this the best for me?
I had an amazing cookout with some friends (family) on Wednesday. We've been spread out for years...oceans between us at times...and it seems like every time we get together it's like we just saw each other the day before. I was blessed by the conversations and just the presence of the people that I love. I had asked God on the way to meet my friend that He would some how bring up the topic of dating/relationships. I wasn't sure exactly what I was looking for...I just wanted some indication that He was listening and that all was ok. With a group of us circled up in the garage in lawn chairs, somehow the topic of online dating came up. One of the couples there had met online and were now married. It was there and gone before I knew it with just enough time to make eye contact with my friend. That was it. That was the indicator that I needed.
Thursday came around and we decided at the last minute that we were going to meet. We returned to the bike trail where we went on date #1...with mosquito repellent this time. We walked and laughed and had light hearted conversation. I was tired. Overwhelmed. After we walked, we hung out around my car and eventually left each other kind of awkwardly. What just happened? Was I trying too hard? Truth be told, I was throughly exhausted from trying to be funny...needing the perfect comeback to his witty statements. I was at the point where I wanted to be forward...but not too forward. I wanted him to like me...but wasn't sure I wanted him falling in love with me.
When we got home, I sent him a message. Again...trying to be funny and somewhat cryptic in my words. Then our conversation shifted. We talked a bit about getting rid of our online profiles...the very thing that brought us together. I wanted him to know that I wasn't looking for anyone else, but didn't want to make it sound like I was ready for a relationship with him...what if he wasn't that interested in me? And then I got called to the table about not being straight forward. Prefaced with an apology, he asked me how interested I was in him...and said that his biggest fear was to fall in love with someone that didn't love him back. Whoa...did I just read that? Time to be real. My response was that I was certainly interested and knew that we could laugh and have a good time together...but what else was there? He reassured me that there would be plenty of time to build those other connections and we left it at that...
I was greeted Friday morning with apologies for the awkwardness the night before. I told him that it was fine and that I needed to start being less cryptic and just say what I was thinking. He again told me that he never wanted me to be uncomfortable. Did I mention that he's a great guy? So caring and respectful of the way that I feel! Our conversations the rest of the day consisted of food preferences and shrines for honey...nothing too serious. :)
Saturday rolled around and I had a list of things I wanted to get done in the morning. He asked me to scope out honey prices at the farmer's market...my secret mission. I spent the morning/early afternoon hoping that he would ask to see me that night. He sent me a message saying that he was done with work and wasn't sure what he was going to do that afternoon. I let him know that I didn't have any plans...and if he was bored...he could come see me. And then I did something surprising...I invited him to come over to my house. He was hesitant...and wanted to make sure that I was completely ok with it...but then agreed to come visit. We talked a bit at my place, went to Applebee's, and then came back to my place. He didn't leave until midnight. Isn't that risky? Maybe. I'm sure there are people that have their own thoughts and opinions about it...but there was such peace sitting next to each other and chatting. I loved every minute of it.
Sunday came...the day for date #2...which was now #4. We met at the zoo and enjoyed walking around and seeing all of the different animals. Can I just say that I don't really like the zoo...but this was the best zoo trip of my life! Can I also say that the zoo was the site of a pretty important event in my life...the place where I accepted my first teaching job. I told him about accepting my first job while I was standing in front of the pig pen...which is now in a new location. He thought that was rather interesting that a place so significant was now significant for another reason too!
After the zoo we went to the Olive Garden for lunch. For some reason, a few awkward moments crept back in after we were done eating. I just kept looking at him...and perhaps I looked like I had a look of panic on my face. For some reason...all of a sudden...I wasn't really sure what was happening. What if he doesn't really like me? What if my parents don't like him? What if...? It was very strange. He asked me if I was ok...and I said I was fine. He asked again...and I really knew that I was fine...I just wasn't feeling it. We hopped back in his truck and ventured back to the zoo to get my car. Now...I'm not the greatest at directions and wasn't 100% sure how to get back where we needed to go. I had an idea...and he had an idea...and I just figured that he was right. He wasn't...necessarily. We got back where we needed to be without really having to turn around, we just took the scenic route! And then something happened that has had be laughing for days...literally.
I mentioned that my friend from work and I have been chatting. As we pulled back into the zoo from our lunch outing, we passed her and her husband in the parking lot. It was like a split second. They had ridden their motorcycle in that day and were just putting on their helmets as we passed. Did that seriously just happen? That timing was perfect. The other little strange tidbit with that is that they were also at the same restaurant the day of our date #1...just a different time.
So we sat in the parking lot and talked for the longest time. We talked very openly and forwardly about a lot of sensitive topics... I said that I was thinking about asking him to meet my parents. His initial response was that we weren't even hugging and kissing...and then it changed. I explained to him about my love language...my history with physical touch or lack of it. Then we started talking about past relationships and my expectation to wait until marriage. This conversation couldn't have gone more perfectly. We took a break in talking to come back to my house. It's amazing the hours that we've spent just sitting together and talking. We talked until around 10:00 and then he needed to go. After he put his boots on and was ready to walk out the door...he simply asked me if he could give me a hug. Of course! But how sweet! Here we've been sharing all of these intimate details of our lives and he has the respect to ask me first. I'm telling you...such a keeper!
Early Riser...
The past few days I've been an early riser...awake around 5:00 without an alarm. If you know me, you know that I'm not that person! I have always wrestled with my mornings...
But here I am...awake. I can't help but use this time to thank God for the things that are happening in my life. I seriously am just in awe of His goodness...His perfect timing that I have seen over and over again. But then I'm also reminded to pray for those that are waiting...
Father, thank You for your incredible love and Your perfect timing. Thank You for allowing our paths to cross at just the right time, to meet in the least predictable way for both of us. I thank You that You have used this to bring us out of our comfort zones and to build our confidence, but I also thank You that through this process, You are teaching us to lean more in to You, to train our ears to hear You speak. I thank You for Your perfect peace. Thank You that we love being around each other and feel incredibly comfortable talking about everything. I thank You that You have journeyed with us...on similar journeys...and now we are able to journey together. Father I pray that we would continue to be rooted in Your love, to grow deeper in a relationship with You.
Father I lift up my friends who are still waiting...longing, hurting, discouraged. I pray that You would continually draw them closer to You. Pour out Your love on them. Remind them of their beauty. Help them to see Your provision in their lives and to trust that Your timing is perfect. I pray against the spirit of jealousy and comparison. I thank You that You care about every detail of their lives. I thank You that You have handpicked someone just for them...thank You for working in them while they wait.
Thank you Jesus! Amen!
Monday, July 14, 2014
Someone to pray with me...
Yesterday as we were walking around the mall, he shared that he had heard a verse on the radio that day that gave him some peace. My thinking was...what were you listening to that you heard a Bible verse?
One of my initial concerns was that he wasn't actively involved in a church community. He kept saying things that seemed on point...but who was he really? Did we really hold the same values? For some reason knowing that he was willing to share a scripture with me really meant something to me... Proverbs 12:25 reads "Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up." So on point for where we've been...who we are. Anxiety has taken a lot of things from both of us in our lives...time to just let go of it!
The icing on the cake came tonight. I'm having a tooth pulled tomorrow. He wants to come visit me, but I told him that it may not be pretty! As we closed our conversation tonight, he told me that he was praying for a quick and painless experience. He was praying for me...enough said.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Something new...
So I have embarked upon the online dating journey. What an experience! I know that God has been speaking through this process, I'm just trying to train my ear to listen to him and truly know what He's saying.
Date #1 was less than stellar, but I can see how God used the situation to bring confidence and peace. I knew before the date even started that it wasn't going to work...he was 20 minutes late. But things happen...and I drove over an hour to get there...so I stuck around. Conversation was a struggle, eye contact was painful (and piercing), and there really just wasn't any chemistry. I thank God for that experience though, because it made me realize that I could put myself in an awkward situation and survive!
Date #2 was a completely different story. I decided that I didn't want to drag pre-date conversations out forever like I had with #1. Our conversations were different too...rather concise and not into the wee hours of the morning. I had just enough information to peak my interest and help me feel safe. I had already turned down the first offer for a date because I thought it was too soon. Then I found myself prompting him to ask me out again...I'm glad he did!
First meetings are always strange. Of course, there was an awkward hand shake at the beginning...but even that can be overlooked. We had dinner at a nice little restaurant and they seated us "alone" in the window. We had random conversations about cottage cheese and paint can explosions...and none of it felt strange. I'm curious to know what my facial expressions said that night as our server just kept looking at me and smiling. What was my face saying? Did she know this was a first date? Were we a cute couple?
As dinner ended, there was a tense moment when he asked me what I was thinking. We had just talked about claiming the "I don't know anything" card when someone asks you... I tried that for a moment...just because I had a flurry of emotions and didn't know how to respond except for a cheesy smile and saying it was "ok". Then he invited me to go walk the river trail with him, I accepted. He gave me options and offered for me to ride with him...I accepted that too!
Now it's time to process... My prayer from the beginning has been that if it is supposed to be that it will be...and if it's not then it's not. The relationship world is brand new to me and I don't want to enter in without reservation. With that said, there were an awful lot of little things that we have in common...so little that I wonder why/how they came up in conversation. I know He's up to something...
Father, thank you for the opportunity to meet this person. Thank you for great conversation, an unprecedented level of peace and comfort, and an overall great time. I pray that you would would give us wisdom as we pursue date #2 and whatever may come next. Amen!
Date #1 was less than stellar, but I can see how God used the situation to bring confidence and peace. I knew before the date even started that it wasn't going to work...he was 20 minutes late. But things happen...and I drove over an hour to get there...so I stuck around. Conversation was a struggle, eye contact was painful (and piercing), and there really just wasn't any chemistry. I thank God for that experience though, because it made me realize that I could put myself in an awkward situation and survive!
Date #2 was a completely different story. I decided that I didn't want to drag pre-date conversations out forever like I had with #1. Our conversations were different too...rather concise and not into the wee hours of the morning. I had just enough information to peak my interest and help me feel safe. I had already turned down the first offer for a date because I thought it was too soon. Then I found myself prompting him to ask me out again...I'm glad he did!
First meetings are always strange. Of course, there was an awkward hand shake at the beginning...but even that can be overlooked. We had dinner at a nice little restaurant and they seated us "alone" in the window. We had random conversations about cottage cheese and paint can explosions...and none of it felt strange. I'm curious to know what my facial expressions said that night as our server just kept looking at me and smiling. What was my face saying? Did she know this was a first date? Were we a cute couple?
As dinner ended, there was a tense moment when he asked me what I was thinking. We had just talked about claiming the "I don't know anything" card when someone asks you... I tried that for a moment...just because I had a flurry of emotions and didn't know how to respond except for a cheesy smile and saying it was "ok". Then he invited me to go walk the river trail with him, I accepted. He gave me options and offered for me to ride with him...I accepted that too!
Now it's time to process... My prayer from the beginning has been that if it is supposed to be that it will be...and if it's not then it's not. The relationship world is brand new to me and I don't want to enter in without reservation. With that said, there were an awful lot of little things that we have in common...so little that I wonder why/how they came up in conversation. I know He's up to something...
Father, thank you for the opportunity to meet this person. Thank you for great conversation, an unprecedented level of peace and comfort, and an overall great time. I pray that you would would give us wisdom as we pursue date #2 and whatever may come next. Amen!
Prayer of Desperation
Written at the beginning of June...
It's true, I'm desperate. Desperate to be loved. Desperate for someone to tell me that I'm beautiful. Desperate for someone to laugh with me. Desperate for someone to hold me. Desperate for someone to challenge me. Desperate for someone to pray with me. Desperate for someone to come home to. Desperate for someone to want me. Desperate for someone to initiate something with me. Father I pray that you would meet these needs.
It's true, I'm desperate. Desperate to be loved. Desperate for someone to tell me that I'm beautiful. Desperate for someone to laugh with me. Desperate for someone to hold me. Desperate for someone to challenge me. Desperate for someone to pray with me. Desperate for someone to come home to. Desperate for someone to want me. Desperate for someone to initiate something with me. Father I pray that you would meet these needs.
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